My Desire

I've been struggling and searching for my place in this world. I won't lie--I do have the best job in the world. Staying home with my sweet Dax allows me the chance to enjoy (and stress over) every minute of his little life. I mean--you know--since I'm a SAHM, I've got tons of time on my hands. All I do is sit around and sew and bake delicious homemade goodies, my son eats only organic food, I am an avid mommy-blogger, and I promise I will drive a minivan someday. I'm well-rested because my baby sleeps all night and has been since the moment he was born, I lost all my baby weight (and then some) two weeks after my son was born, I wash my hair every single day, and I go on weekly date nights with my hubby. Wish your life was like mine? Yeah, I wish my life was like mine, too!

In reality, some days I am overcome with wondering--Am I a good enough Christian, wife, mother? Am I really doing all I can to provide all I can for all who need me and depend on me? What about the world? The world filled with people who are dying and going to Hell? What am I doing about that? These questions began to weigh on my heart at the end of last year. 2014 was coming to a close, and I was desperately searching for what I'd accomplished spiritually during 2014. As 2015 began to dawn, my heart began to open and long for an opportunity to share with women different things God placed on my heart. My biggest issue is struggling with the thought, "is what I have to say worthwhile?" That thought has been rolling around in my mind over the last several days...until last night. I was sitting in our women's Bible study at church listening to Beth Moore speak through session 8 of her Children of the Day study when the Lord laid something on my heart. He reminded me of two summers ago when I had the opportunity to speak to the girls at Crossway Baptist Youth Camp. I spoke on how to become a Wise Woman of Worth. This topic became very dear to my heart as I began to break down and dig into Proverbs 31. What does it mean to be wise? How do I translate wisdom into teenage years and then allow that wisdom to mature into adulthood? How and where do I find my worth as a woman. As I was preparing to lead that study encouraged me, and like we always do when we study the Bible, I found so much "meat" in Proverbs 31. This meat is one that we can chew on, savor, swallow, and feel its effects long after the flavor leaves our mouths. What better meat to devour than that of finding wisdom?

So, my desire in writing this study is that you will grow and become so full with the richness of Proverbs 31. And that you, my friend, will embrace what it means to be a Wise Woman of Worth.

My Beginning

Before I can truly begin to share my heart with you about how to become a Wise Woman of Worth, I need to share with you when my relationship with the Lord began.  Some may think I don't have a spectacular story. In fact, some may say that my story is really pretty original. I was born into a Christian home. I had Christian parents, grandparents, friends. I was in church every single time the doors were open, except on the not-so-rare occasion (I was a sick little girly) that I was running a fever or puking my guts up.  While some may accuse me of what may seem to be a very Sunday School-ish story, what my Savior did for me on March 25, 2000 was anything but menial.

The Lord really began to work on me several years before I actually came to Him. I made a profession of faith when I was in first grade, then again in third grade--"just to make sure I was going to Heaven"--and then I finally fully turned my heart over to him when I was in fifth grade. Looking back now, I know that those earlier times of conviction were prepping my heart for true surrender. While I knew all the information I needed to know to be saved, I didn't allow the Lord to have control until that night in March.

While the Lord had been dealing with me for years, heavy conviction came a few months prior to my final surrender. Being a P.K., we got to be apart of some very interesting Saturday activities. One of these special activities was going to funerals of people that my dad knew, but I didn't. Little did I know, but the Lord was going to use this the end of this woman's life to make me more alive than ever.  As I sat in that funeral, I truly felt that this deep conviction I'd been feeling for weeks was driving me to Christ. If you've ever been under conviction of the Holy Spirit, you know that it is not a fun feeling. It's so necessary, but it is definitely not fun. Imagine a weight pressing in on your chest that cannot be removed, no matter how hard you try to get rid of it yourself. All I knew as I sat there is that I wanted these feelings gone. They were scary, uncomfortable, and made me feel more than just a little "off."  I vividly remember sitting in the pew at this funeral feeling like every breath I took would be my last. I would inhale and beg God to allow me to exhale. It really was a surreal experience...it's like I could feel my skin burning, see myself being cast into Hell because I truly didn't know the Lord. That night I prayed and asked the Lord into my heart. I fully surrendered my heart to Him and became a new person right then and there. And poof--all my troubles were gone, right? I was instantaneously this perfect, little, goody-two-shoes-girl? Wrong. Life was just beginning for me.

I never had a problem believing that Jesus was Lord, and even though he was my Savior and worked in my life, it took some growing up on my part before I truly saw how wonderful, and frankly, flabbergasting His mercy and blessings really are.

I think the biggest part of my testimony is when God really began to reveal himself to me when I was in college. Adam and I were married halfway through our college careers. We were both working part-time jobs and going to school full-time. We had many people advise us against getting married so young and while we still had half of college facing us. There were questions of how we would be able to survive on what little we made, on top of pay for school while racking up as little debt as possible, but we truly felt that we were getting married when God wanted us to, and that He would somehow provide. During those last two years of college, the Lord gave us more than we could have even imagined. He provided new jobs, raises, and even allowed me to quit working for a time so I could focus on student teaching. He then gave us both full-time jobs immediately after we graduated. 

Through those two years, I came to the conclusion that for God to really, truly bless His children, we must be completely and utterly willing to follow him. There were times throughout those years that He would convict us to give at church or to someone in need. We wouldn't know how we were going to pay for groceries, rent, or car insurance, but all we knew to do was give if He laid it on our hearts. The Lord always, always, ALWAYS provided above and beyond in those situations. A check would come out of nowhere, someone would offer to take us out to eat, someone would pay for our gas, or even send us a check telling us to pay our rent with it. It would never cease to amaze me that the Lord could and would provide in those awesome ways.

As I've moved past those days, I still continue to see God's hand on my life. He guides my steps. Every. Single. Day. In those days and the days following, I've seen the true need for wisdom in all decisions and in the everyday mundane of living this life. The first day's study will focus on this desperate need for wisdom. Understanding this is truly the foundation for becoming a Wise Woman of Worth.  So please, I invite you on this journey with me, as we dive into God's word to see what He says about the web of wisdom and womanhood. 

My Biggest Need

I probably made one of the biggest mistakes that a first-time mom could ever make. Like some, I was completely freaked out when I found out I was pregnant...excited? Yes!!! But still, I was completely, totally, unbelievably freaked out. I worried about EVERYTHING...would I love my baby enough, what if my baby was sick, what if I didn't think my baby was cute, what if I wanted one gender but got the other, what if, what if, what if! It was a never-ending merry-go-round of torture. I made a conscious decision during my pregnancy to not read, research, or prepare in any way, shape, or form. In my mind, I saw this playing out in my favor. I would roll with the punches, learn as I went, go with the flow, and it would be a wonderful experience...but I was not going to allow it to begin until after the baby got here. Whenever a fellow mama would want to share her pregnancy/laboring/birthing/child-rearing story with me, I would smile and nod, act engaged, all while mentally plugging my ears. I refused to believe that I would face "baby blues," have to take time to adjust to our new life, be in any physical pain after pushing a human from my body, etc., etc. There were those particular people who had a knack for telling me all the bad stuff about having a baby. And most of all, those were the people I longed to avoid. I didn't want to hear about someone's terrible birth recovery, someone's child who screamed 24-hours a day, the fact that I wouldn't get to spend time with my husband, or get any sleep, or that my body would never be the same again. I really wanted NO advice from anyone.

Let me tell you--I did myself a complete and utter disservice. Proverbs 19:20 says, "Hear counsel, receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in the latter end" (KJV), or as the ESV says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future." Wow. I read Proverbs 19:20 approximately 10 times (every 19th of the month) throughout my pregnancy, and never once did that verse resonate with me. You know what I did? I did not listen to advice and counsel, I did not receive instruction, and I was not wise in the end. After I had my baby, I found myself unsure of what to do, surprised at things I could have been prepared for, and probably more overwhelmed than a instructed and advised mama-to-be would have been. It's funny, looking back, at how things could have been different. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?

Funny little thing--God knows us. He knows that given our human nature, we tend to err on the side of being unwise. He knows that we are proud creatures and often struggle with accepting that we don't know it all. He knows that it is our natural reaction to stiffen our necks against those who come to us with advice and instruction. Does this please Him? Absolutely not. But the amazing thing is that God is not a god who tells us what He wants from us without providing instruction on how to get to that end. He has given us the Holy Spirit to convict and the Bible to instruct us on how to live right and holy lives.

One of the coolest things is that He divinely inspired one particular book of the Bible--Proverbs--to focus solely on instructing us on our desperate need for wisdom. This book also gives clear instructions on how to gain wisdom. Solomon, the wisest man ever known, is included among the authors. He wrote the first 29 chapters, while two other kings, Lemuel and Agur, wrote the two final chapters of this book. I'm sure most have heard how Solomon was the wisest man on the Earth. In 2 Chronicles 1:7-10 we see how God granted Solomon wisdom. These verses tell us that "7 In that night did God appear unto Solomon, and said unto him, Ask what I shall give thee. 8 And Solomon said unto God, Thou hast shown great mercy unto David my father, and hast made me to reign in his stead. 9 Now, O Lord God, let thy promise unto David my father be established: for thou has made me king over a people like the dust of the earth in multitude. 10 Give me now wisdom and knowledge, that I may go out and come in before this people: for who can judge this thy people, that is so great?" Solomon seriously could have asked for anything, but he chose wisdom. Wisdom. He chose WISDOM. God honored Solomon's desperate request by responding "11...Solomon, Because this was in thine heart [asking for wisdom] and thou hast not asked for riches, wealth, or honor, nor the life of thine enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people, over whom I have made thee king: 12 Wisdom and knowledge is granted unto thee; [but it doesn't stop there!] and I will give thee riches, and wealth, and honor, such as none of the kings have had that have been before thee, neither shall there any after thee have the like." God, in all His wonder and awesomeness, basically said, "Ya know what… That was the right answer and for that I'm going to give you everything else…" Whoa. 

If there is one thing that I have seen throughout my days of teaching in public high school and then again in becoming a mom, it is that there is a deep need for wisdom. I do not know it all. I am not prepared for it all. I could sit down with you over a cup of coffee and tell you several situations that I've encountered just this week that have revealed my own need for wisdom. This need is in the everyday. Not just the huge decisions. Not just the life-shattering, earth-shaking moments. I need wisdom every. single. day. In the mundane. In the normal. In the real life moments. 

I remember having a conversation about wisdom when I was in second grade. We were all sitting at the lunch table and like the cool second graders we were, we were talking about if we could ask for ANYTHING in the world, what would we ask for...as you can see, these were deep, theological lunchtime discussions. Growing up a P.K. and knowing just about every "Sunday School answer," really put me at the advantage, so I naturally spouted off, "I would ask to be wise!" Did I know what it meant to be wise? NO! Did any other second grader at that table know what it meant to be wise? NO! They looked at me like I had lost my marbles. I proceeded to look around to make sure no one else, except the elite few at the table, could hear me and whispered…"If you ask for wisdom, then you get ANYTHING else you could ever want…like being rich!!!!!" Unlike me, Solomon did not have an ulterior motive for asking for wisdom. He truly wanted to be wise so he could know how to lead God's people. 

This desperate need for wisdom wasn't something that I understood as a second grader. It's sometimes still something I don't "get" until after the fact--like my earlier story of when I was pregnant with my first baby. In the final chapter of Proverbs, we are given five very clear ways that lead us--as women, girls, mothers, teachers, nurses, wives, church members, whoever we are--to wisdom. In the following posts I will be exploring these five ways, so stay tuned!